It's been a while - crikey, didn't think it had been that long. Since I wrote on here, that is.
I've come to an odd hiatus. I've had this urge to be still. I've got jobs and things-I-need-to-be-doing piling up for a couple of weeks now, but can't quite bring myself to start doing them. I kept saying 'I'll wait till I'm back from Cumbria'. I've been back for just over a week. The pile of things only started getting sorted this morning. That includes having my landline fixed. It's not been working since Tuesday. I didn't phone the telephone company to report the fault until about 4pm yesterday (Friday) afternoon. The fact that their systems were down and they couldn't log my repair request, so asked me to call them back, leads me to think that I'm not meant to be in touch with the world at large for the time being. And that's to do with my urge to be still and quiet.
I used to have a really strong and active faith. Not the labelled, congregationed, minister-led type - no-one's telling me what to think, how to behave, or what to believe - but the soul-searching, truth-finding, universe-connecting sort with the congregation of one - me. I would remember to be mindful and aware and watchful. I would strive to find the silver lining in all situations and thank the universe, my angels and spirit guides for the lessons they were sending me to help me to grow and find my highest potential. I adhered to the belief in the inter-connectedness of all things.
Somewhere along the line, I've become jaded. Not a disbeliever. Not that. Just warier. If I close my eyes and picture myself in this context, I see a still figure in the shadows, watching with cautious eyes. Waiting.
I've felt like this before. Being still goes against the grain. It goes against what is socially acceptable. One needs to be seen to be doing. We, as a species, have lost the art and forgotten the value of simply being. To validate my place on this planet, I feel I need to be judged as being a useful contributor. I learned meditation to counteract this. I learned to be still. I learned to listen - to myself, to others and to the universe. How else does one hear the messages being sent by our unconscious minds? Or our angels (if one believes in such things). Or the universe. I've not meditated for quite a while. I've not meditated with conviction for a long time before that. It's one of the reasons I stopped running my meditation group. I felt like a fraud. I didn't practice what I preached.
Since the end of my OU year, I've felt this need for stillness. I feel as though I'm spreading myself too thin and short-changing everyone with whom I come into contact. I have my writing groups - one on-line, one on a Wednesday night, a new one being set up by a friend - I resigned from my Monday night group because I just wasn't showing up. I'm looking for a new job and have had a couple of interviews. The general consensus when I haven't got the jobs being 'You're lovely. You interview really well. We really liked you, but we've gone in-house/taken someone whose got more direct experience.' I have my proof-reading course which is waiting to be started. I have this pile of stuff to tackle; friends I haven't contacted, but should; a zumba class I started but have stopped. I want to write - I have the little flame that is burning away, but ... not yet. Not now. Now I just want to sit. Somewhere quiet. Somewhere uninterrupted. Somewhere unpeopled.
If the things I'm doing are not producing the required results, then maybe I should just surrender to the flow and accept that for today, or this week, or this month, or however long this takes, I just need to be still - do the minimum, the necessary, but stop and be. I've asked for so many things recently. I need to listen for some answers. I won't find them rushing around making noise.
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